spreading fire

today’s card gave me the courage to finally do what i’ve been talking about for weeks – post about my (bi)sexuality on facebook. and while it is just the start (and in many ways the easiest step of project: finish coming out), i’m hopeful that this will give me courage and strength to take on what’s next.IMG_0315

thank you, mother of wands.

fiery, proud, vibrant, determined, courageous, independent, strong, charismatic, and inspiring. this queen is a force of nature, fierce and self-assured. she is not afraid to fight for what she believes in, is confident in who she is and what she stands for, and is deeply grateful for the people around her. i love these lines from carrie mallon“she holds her values dear to her heart and isn’t afraid to live in a way that lines up with her moral code. she doesn’t do anything halfway – she’s in it to win it. she pours all of her love, originality and unique energy into everything she does.”

i so often talk about the court of cups and the high priestess, but i deeply admire the mother of wands. she’s so brave, so bold, so fearless – not reckless or inconsiderate, but sure of herself in a way that gives her power and strength in the face of adversity. and of course she’s not perfect – she can be prone to stubbornness, and her intensity and determination can be off-putting sometimes. but that’s the kind of fire i need right now, and i’m grateful for the positive energy and the mentorship of this beautiful woman. i’m also thankful for this powerful piece on queering the queen of fire.

this is a step that’s just for me. i don’t anticipate hundreds of comments or thousands of likes – as of right now, my little status only has about 20 likes, and that is completely okay. i needed to know that i was strong enough to stand alone, to speak my truth, and to own my identity.

and i am.

focus & strength

today’s card is a beautiful, encouraging one: the chariot.

9ccc795f1209e4161696b48dbb206836looking straight ahead, the beams of the sun above streaming down around her, this horse is poised, intense, and sure of herself. she radiates power and confidence, her gaze focused and ready. there’s nothing she can’t accomplish if she puts her mind to it. the wild unknown book calls her a reflection of one’s inner warrior, reflecting our personal confidence and will.

there are so many important details in this card – the moon on her forehead points to intuition, reminding me to trust my instincts and listen to that little voice inside. the pentacle around her neck shows that she is grounded, perhaps that she has gained mastery over earthly goals and is ready to conquer something new. and the sun shining overhead offers strength and new possibilities, offering illumination and happiness. she has overcome much, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that her journey is over – there is always more to do.

i think this is such a strong, lovely card, and while it’s one i’ve drawn for friends, is not one i’ve seen in a personal reading for myself. i can’t help but hope that this is encouragement for me, a reminder that i am stronger than i believe, that i can accomplish so much with focus and determination. perhaps she is answering some of the questions that yesterday’s drawing seemed to ask. the chariot represents triumph, success, overcoming adversity. and while she does not float through difficulties without effort, she is sure and strong, pushing herself to reach for those dreams and possibilities and wishes.

as i continue to wrestle with my own demons, working through a difficult choice, i’ll take her strength, experience, and wisdom and work to apply it to my own situation. if i can focus on my goal, the chariot reminds me that anything is possible.

 

protect yourself

i’ve been seeing a lot of swords and cups in my reading today, and i think it’s a perfect (if very on-the-nose) representation of my current mental state – my emotions and fears at war with what my mind is telling me i must do. today’s card is the seven of swords.

seven-of-swords

like the four of swords, this clever creature is completely aware of the swords over her head – but unlike the lamb, channeling her power and setting boundaries for herself, this fox keeps an extra sword hidden, waiting for something big to happen. perhaps she’s aware of a threat in her midst, and doesn’t trust those around her – or maybe she’s the one with the secret, and is wary of being discovered. either way, she is on edge, keeping an eye on everything.

this card often reminds me of the seven of cups, another card that can speak of secrets, illusion, and deception – both speak to internal issues, whether they’re mental or emotional. and having seen both suits so many times in recent readings, it seems fitting to mediate on them both.

IMG_0338last week i wrote a post about coming out, and struggled with whether or not to share it on social media. this blog is not private, and i rarely write secret posts, but it also doesn’t get a lot of traffic – i write mainly for me, and while i occasionally send posts to friends, rarely share it beyond that. as i work through how to come out to some remaining family members, i’ve been wanting additional support from those that already know, along with those that don’t but will be strong allies. but i’ve been putting it off, worried that no one would care, that it wouldn’t mean anything. i’m out to almost everyone in my life – surely posting that on a site like facebook, where my connections are friends and real people i’ve met, shouldn’t be that scary. right? if i can write things that are available to strangers on the internet, surely people that care about me are less intimidating?

but oh, the fear is palpable. just considering posting this publicly (along with writing this post, right now) feels self-indulgent, self-involved, self-serving. sharing a post about my sexuality, as brief and broad as it is, feels like a huge personal step for me. and perhaps it’s the seven of swords speaking – this secret i have is impacting so many relationships, so many decisions, simply because i haven’t shared it yet. but the seven of cups looms too – is my brain pushing my heart to do something it’s not ready for? do i only think this is an important step, when it actually wouldn’t matter to anyone? will i feel better when it’s over, or simply obsess about likes and comments and fear nasty private messages?

i’m honestly not sure. but the phrase i keep seeing in blogs and forums about this card is act consciously. what’s more important – feeling calm and at peace with myself, or getting attention and support from others? do i want to tell people for them, or for me?

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release.

as i work through and process some difficult things, it was such a gift to pull today’s card: judgement. i actually received this card a few weeks ago and found it very comforting, but today it feels like a push forward.IMG_0372

there’s so much in this card, beauty and truth and freedom and soaring towards the light, release and understanding and pure hope. this dove is so strong, fleeing that tangled darkness below to reach the bright open space above. and so often, ugliness is created by us – fear, guilt, pain, anxiety, depression. we spend so much energy worrying about what might happen when we finally release those secrets and fly free, but the dove is so much more powerful now, having shed the dark and embraced her strength. and this card feels like an incredibly powerful symbol to me, that perhaps it’s time for me to embrace my strength too.

today is june 1, the first day of pride month. as a bisexual woman, raised in a very religious family and church that was vocally anti-homosexual, pride and judgement are difficult topics for me. it’s taken me a very long time to own my identity, and to admit that while i don’t all the answers, i can no longer deny who i am. i only came out a few years ago, after i’d already been married for some time, and it was a shock to my parents and many who’d grown up with me. other friends were much more supportive and loving, including my husband, and for that i’m incredibly grateful. but there are some very important people in my life who still don’t know about my sexual identity, and in this month of pride, and this impossible political climate, it feels more essential than ever to come clean and stop hiding.

IMG_0304the cards aren’t always this on-the-nose, so i gave myself a clarifying card to make sure i was moving in the right direction: and pulled the two of wands. a bold, goal-oriented card of determination, focus, and strength… that happens to have a colorful, vivid rainbow in the background.

i think that we bring a lot of our own baggage to tarot – it can be hard to clear my mind and not project everything i want to see into my readings. but i’ve been worrying non-stop about telling these last family members about my orientation, feeling isolated and alone, and these cards give me so much strength. it will not be easy, but i can’t keep hiding in the darkness. it’s time to reach out and grab those wands, face my truth, and release some of the secrets.

it’s time to find some pride.