grasping magic

depression is settling around me like a heavy fog. i can feel it thickening, its weight growing by the day, blocking out the light and making it more difficult to do basic tasks. everything becomes harder, slower, painful, requiring more energy and stamina than usual. my spoons are running low. i’m growing disinterested in the world around me.

sometimes the beginning is the worst, because i can still remember where i was just a few days ago. once i’m in it, i’m really in it – i lose track of time, days blur together, and it’s hard to tell just bad it is until i can crawl back out into the light. right now i can still make myself do things, still find joy in friends and favorite things, but it’s all a bit dulled, and i know it will only get dimmer as the days pass. i hope i’m not stuck here for too long, i think, as my head slips under the water.

IMG_0353what can the cards offer me, in their wisdom and insight and kindness? today’s draw is the magician, a card of purpose, action, energy, and empowerment. armed with his knowledge of all four minor suits, he sits in stillness, but plots his next move. he’s confident, independent, filled with awareness. he doesn’t act simply to be busy, but rather with purpose and intent, aware of his goals and the passions that drive him. the air around him shimmers with possibility, potential, something just a moment away. a brilliant sun, so similar to the radiant card i pulled just a few days ago, shines behind him, bathing him in light. his way forward is illuminated, clear, and he simply waits for the perfect moment to take that first, strong step.

i’ve only drawn this card once before, when i was weeks into the upside-down. it was a stark reminder that even small actions can have power, that simple tools can accomplish great things, that using my energy in strong, deliberate ways can have a major impact. it’s not always about huge goals, grand gestures, massive undertakings – sometimes even small steps forward is still better than standing still (or hiding underground).

i’ve been fighting this round of depression diligently, keeping myself busy with tasks and little goals even as i could feel the shadows lurking behind me. it felt like the moment i stopped, the second i turned around or acknowledged its presence, depression would consume me. and when i did, it did. but the magician tells a different story, reminds me of the tools at my disposal, my ability to cling to bits of light when i need it, my drive to find projects to fuel my passions. rather than simply waiting for something to arrive, there’s beautiful intention in this card – the magician plans his course, gathers the resources he needs, and moves forward calmly and deliberately. IMG_1803

i’m trying to keep moving, trying to stay honest, trying to keep connections alive. i’m being brutally honest on social media right now, more than ever before. i’m making sure friends and family know where i’m at. i’m connecting with the online tarot community in new ways. i have a therapist that’s aware of my mindset and is always a phone call away. i even have an emergency plan, just in case things get too dark, too heavy, too much.

but i think this is a strong card for me to meditate on and channel today. i don’t have to conquer the world, or escape my depression, or achieve every goal i can come up with – i just have to grasp a little magic. and for today, that can be enough.

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enjoying the warmth

after so many intense & lengthy spreads lately, i’m eager to get back to my single-card daily readings. they bring me such comfort, and i love their simple messages, and the opportunity to spend time meditating and considering one or two cards at a time.

IMG_0371today’s card is one of energy, life, positivity, vitality, radiance, and joy: the sun. and while it does feel a bit on the nose to draw this card brimming with light and happiness on the day after a solar eclipse, it also feels like a potent reminder to embrace the bright possibility that this card represents.

this card is positively glowing, beams of golden light streaming out from the center. the sun itself isn’t really even visible – it’s simply hinted at, hiding behind that intense and colorful glow. you can practically feel the warmth emanating from this card, and the sense of peace, comfort, and ease here is undeniable.

but for someone with darker impulses, someone who worships the moon, someone who rarely seeks out joy but instead lives in the shadows – what kind of lessons can i take from a card that’s so bright? this card feels foreign to me, even as i sit with it, drenched in sunlight from a clear blue sky. how do i learn to just enjoy that warmth, soak in the comfort, find the joy in the everyday? IMG_0305

my clarifying card offered similar advice: the three of wands. this card popped up just a few days ago in an outcome position, and also seems to be brimming with possibility. and while the idea of looking to the future, making grand plans and setting ambitious goals, doesn’t hold any real appeal – perhaps there’s joy in the unknown. perhaps even the act of considering what may be ahead is a way to make peace with it.

i’m struck by the idea of vision, and how we can’t look too closely or intently at both of these cards. the sun is too bright, too dazzling – we will literally sacrifice our vision trying to see it with the naked eye. it’s simply too intense for our human eyes to handle. and while the three of wands represents a much more ambiguous vision, that of the future, of what lies ahead, of the goals we set for ourselves, it too can be impossible to look at. stare ahead for too long, spend too much time squinting at those hazy colors, and we’ll lose sight of everything.

so where does this leave me? it seems that rather than scrambling for a project, or pouring my energy into the first thing that resonates, i should instead spend some time simply soaking up the sunshine, and enjoying each moment as it comes. finding a way to be present, rather than obsessing over past efforts or worrying about future failures, seems like the perfect way to find my path forward. and if that bright light, that colorful future, is impossible to see right now? i can still enjoy the warmth.

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don’t be surprised to see some changes in this space in the upcoming weeks – i’ll be redesigning the look of this site, changing the name to match my new instagram page (hello, fellow ‘grammers!), and working to connect with more readers in the tarot community. if you’d like to see something in this space, or just want to say hello, please give me a shout in the comments!

my girl

today’s daily reading is a card i’ve been anticipating diving into: the daughter of cups, and the namesake for this blog. she’s not who i am, she’s my goal girl. she’s my fantasy girl. she’s the girl i hope to someday become, on my magical intuitive journey to be queen of the universe or high priestess of the emotional realm or whatever.

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this lovely baby swan is resting serenely in still waters, gazing off into the distance, calmly paddling below but careful not to disturb the quiet. she’s lost in the world of her emotions and imagination, quietly casting a rainbow reflection onto the surface. she is graceful, calm, innocent, beautiful. she personifies stillness, harmony, and peace. she is a child of the court of cups, eager to learn, celebrating her emotions, testing the waters of her intuition. she revels in her creativity, lives for her art, struggles to stay grounded in reality. she is just beginning to understand the power of emotional strength, the importance of the full spectrum of feelings, the strength it takes to keep an open mind and heart.

in readings, the daughter of cups reminds us that we have much to learn about our personal emotional landscapes. having feelings is not bad – learning from our emotions makes us strong, intelligent, nuanced creatures. we need to embrace our emotions, keep our hearts open, and not judge ourselves for our reactions and needs. i always love to see this card, as she serves as a gentle reminder that i have much to learn about myself, but i’ve begun the journey.

let’s be clear – this girl is not me. i am absolutely not the daughter of cups. realistically, i daughtershave far more in common with the daughter of swords, or the daughter of wands. and in readings, i’m far more likely to get a mother than a daughter in positions that represent myself. i’m passionate, can be difficult, am often stubborn, and tend towards being secretive. i’m fiercely loyal, and while i’m not great at standing up for myself, i will do anything to protect the people i love. i’m practical, and sarcastic, and usually pretty cranky. i’m independent, and introverted, and inquisitive.

but cups represent water, and emotions, and intuition. and i’ve said it before, but as a
scorpio i identify strongly with the suit of cups. i may not share her grace and beauty, her kindness, or her innocence, but i feel strongly that the daughter of cups can teach us much about our emotions, and that the hidden depths within each of us can be the most significant pieces we have to offer. i value my intuition highly, and strive to develop it more and more each day. i want to be more sensitive, more kind, more generous. i want to become the daughter of cups so that i can grow into the mother of cups, and perhaps someday fully develop into my birth card, the high priestess.

i have so much to learn, but we all have to start somewhere.