offerings

as i spend time with family, with all of the emotions and plans and struggles and confusion that goes along with traveling with lots of adults and small children, i find myself a bit drained. california is beautiful and sunny and mellow, the kind of bright, optimistic energy that everyone seems drawn to. and yet getting here was exhausting, there are a lot of people to meet and connect with, and i haven’t slept well in too long. today’s card is a reminder to be kind, both to others and to myself: the two of cups.

IMG_0333two elegant goblets, identical in form and size, rest on a dark table. roses cross over them, evenly spaced so that both cups can share in their beauty and radiance. everything about the card is symmetrical and simple, with balance and reciprocity and the sharing of something truly sweet. this is a card of love, of connection, of true soulmates.

offering a cup, a gift, an open look into one’s heart and soul, takes a lot of trust. it’s not easy to be completely honest, to offer the good with the bad, to surrender to emotion and acknowledge all the messy things that come along with connections and relationships. but true friendship, true love, true empathy and loyalty and generosity only happen when we strip everything away and aren’t afraid to reveal our true selves.

it feels that for the last month or two i’ve been so introspective, focusing on my personal goals and sharing secret parts of myself with those that i trust. it takes a lot to give so much of me away, and i’m still feeling the impact. but there’s a freedom too, a sigh of relief. i can just be myself now. i had to extend that cup, with all of its fears and joys and fierceness and mystery, to others. and now perhaps i can find some quiet.

 

peace & love

today’s daily draw is a card i worked with just last week: the empress.

the-empressnurturing, soothing, radiating calm and tranquil energy, the empress is vibrant, creative, and brimming with love. she’s a caretaker, someone who makes everyone around her feel both relaxed and strong. she builds people up, cares for their needs, reminds them that they are capable and powerful, and is never afraid to let her own light shine brightly. there’s a sensual energy here, a passion and abundance that illuminates the card. she encourages us to care for others as well as ourselves, to reconnect with natural and the world around us, to offer love without restrictions or restraint. she takes us as we are, imperfections and all, and reminds us of our power.

i’ve got a lot swirling in my head these days – my husband has been pushing himself to the limit and is now sick, work has been hectic, and we’re getting ready to head out to california tomorrow for a week-long trip. it’s the first time i’ll be seeing my in-laws since coming out last month, and i’m both excited and incredibly nervous about what the next few days may bring. i’m also trying to be as loving and compassionate as possible, helping my husband get well before a busy week of travel. the empress can speak to these worries, reminding me to offer nurturing love to my partner, to remember compassion when speaking to my conservative family members, and to stay grounded and connected to the world around me so that i don’t get so lost in my mind that i drift away.

IMG_0334since i drew the empress so recently, i decided to gift myself a companion card for some extra clarification and direction: and pulled the three of cups, a card i haven’t worked with before. a card of friendship, kindness, and joy, this is a beautiful reminder of the people that i share love with on a daily basis. i have a group of girls that have saved my life in a sense this past year, and i see them here – but this card is also a reminder that i have a supportive family, a strong husband, and old friends that love me even if we don’t see each other often. i love my family, but the idea of the family you choose is something i’ve always really embraced. my chosen family keeps me grounded, keeps me centered, lets me kick and scream and cry when i need it, but also reminds me that i’m strong and brave and more powerful than i realize. they gave me the courage to come out. they encouraged me to seek a therapist for my depression and self-harm. they let me be myself, absolutely and honestly, in a way i haven’t been able to before. and that holistic, healing energy of the empress – it’s here, in real friendship and love.

there’s a lot of color, a lot of soothing energy, a lot of love in these cards today. and as someone that considers myself a dark, swirling mess of weird, it’s comforting to see so much positivity here. my main struggle with tarot is honestly reading what the cards are saying, rather than twisting them into something else – but it’s hard not to see the tenderness and warm in today’s cards. i’ll try not to fight it.

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confidence & courage

i’m still struggling with writing letters to my family, and i’ve been obsessing over it all week. i decided today to do a larger spread to help me find confidence and courage, in the hopes that i can finally finish this difficult task.

this spread is from beth at little red tarot, and while it was designed to help build personal confidence on a more general level, i’m going to use it for my specific situation.

1. the root of my insecurity & fear

four-of-pentacles

the four of pentacles, a card of possession and control. this is not a card i’ve worked with before, but its themes are clear: brilliant threads hold the pentacles in tight formation, letting nothing else in. energy from the outside bounces right off, closing off the spaces between. the lines are so rigid and stiff that they do create a lot of security and protection, but perhaps this is simply an illusion. everything cannot be controlled – no one has that much power, even when we think we do.

it made me nervous to only have one card in this first position – after all, coming out as bisexual to my conservative brother and religious in-laws isn’t exactly a simple scenario, and there are many reasons for my fears and worries. but ultimately, control is a big part of this – i have to give them part of myself, hand them my heart with trembling hands, and hope that they don’t crush it. i have no control over their reaction, their feelings, their potential for anger or fear or sadness or betrayal. it’s taken me a long time to get this point, and they deserve space to think and feel and react too. but once i reveal my truth, all i can do is trust them not to destroy it.

2. how to overcome these feelings

ten-of-cups

a colorful card of harmony, light, and positivity, the ten of cups radiates energy. every cup is giving and receiving, sending out beauty and taking in love. this is a card of completion, of balance, of wholeness, and it reminds us to stay open and joyful, sharing our blessings with those around us and seeing the good everywhere.

i’m not typically known as a positive beacon of colorful light (my power cards below back me up on this), but the sense of karma and balance here is impossible to deny. and remembering how much i love the people in my life, how i try to offer kindness and support to those that need it, makes me hopeful that if i can continue to be positive and loving, i will receive that back. with only a few exceptions, when i’ve come out (which for me is always scary, every single time, to every single person) i’ve been accepted with open arms. friends and strangers alike have made me feel like i belong, and remembering their generosity gives me strength too.

3 & 4. my main sources of personal power

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seeing the devil and the hermit as my cards of personal power is, frankly, hilarious. these are some big, powerful cards, and while i imagine plenty of others might be horrified by them, these boys feel just right to me.

let’s start with the devil. i think it’s easy to recoil at the sight of this card, but i’m not afraid of his energy. as a scorpio and a water sign, there’s always a bit of darkness, mystery, wickedness present in me. i don’t seek out evil, but i definitely live in the grey areas, trying to see all sides, working the angles. and the devil can help us to challenge our assumptions, look at things differently, try to avoid snap judgements. temptation doesn’t have to be bad, as long as you understand it. making your own choices can be a strong path, one that may look wrong to others but feels right for you. and indulging can be a beautiful thing, as long as it doesn’t take over.

i can also see this card as a reference to difficulties in my life, from my very conservative, religious upbringing to my severe depression to my challenges as a married bisexual woman to my unusual sleeping problems. i’ve definitely had my feet in the fire, had to resort to deception and denial in order to keep myself safe, had to make impossible choices that weren’t always the right ones. but it’s made me stronger IMG_0361and more powerful than i was before. and while no one chooses to go through difficult things, the end result can be something wonderful.

my second strength is the hermit, a card i love. i’m definitely an introvert, someone who prefers intimate gatherings to giant parties, someone who prefers a book and a glass of wine to a loud venue, someone who needs a lot of personal time to recharge and consider. the hermit trusts his own inner light, relies on it to reveal the path he should follow. and while i do need the love and support of others sometimes, i’ve had to face most of my challenges alone. no one can make me sleep, or not hurt myself, or change my identity to something more “acceptable.” no one can take away my past hurts or my present fears or my future challenges. just like now – no one else can come out for me. i have to do this myself, on my own strength, in my own way.

 

5. how to tap into that power to build confidence

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the fool, another card i haven’t worked with before. represented in the wild unknown as a baby bird, eager to take his first steps away from his secure nest, and speaks of new beginnings, spontaneity, potential, and inexperience. this bird is excited but naive, with no idea what is ahead. she exists entirely in the present. the future is limitless, sparkling with possibility. as carrie mallon says, “this card speaks of pure, unbridled potential. in order for that potential to take shape, risks are required. taking a leap doesn’t necessarily guarantee a favorable outcome. but if you never leap, you remain stuck on the precipice, never fully immersing yourself in all that life has to offer.”

there’s a lot to unpack here. but something that i immediately noticed is that the devil and the hermit are both stationary, whether standing in flames or retreating into a shell. they’re self-aware, sure of themselves, sometimes to their detriment. the fool, however, is moving forward, even if it’s into a completely unknown place. she’s about action, taking that big leap, being open and ready and saying yes. she may be young and inexperienced, but she also isn’t shackled by fear or expectations. if i can look to that trust and love and beauty from the ten of cups, and channel the strength and assurance from my power cards, perhaps it’ll give me what i need to take that big step forward.

6. something i can do right now

ace-of-pentacles

so what do i do? the ace of pentacles is all about new beginnings and growth, planting a seed and letting it take root. this card reminds us to stay grounded and consistent, to commit to the process, to activate the resources we have and the ones we may have forgotten.

aces are always brimming with potential. and this ace of the earth, with its stable growth rings and blooming branches and tough outer layer, speaks to me of strength and balance. i need to remember that my letters are the start of something, rather than the end – i’m beginning a conversation based on truth and honesty, and need to keep faith in the process. i have resources – supportive friends, a wonderful therapist, an online community, and my beloved cards. they can give me strength and courage, and help me remember why i’m doing this at all.

this is a fascinating, complicated, challenging spread. but it reflects so much of who i am, what i need, and why i’m pushing myself to come out to my family. i’m grateful for the wisdom here, for the honesty and difficulties presented by the cards.

time to write some letters.

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