intention & truth

instagram has felt easier these last few days – a bit more anonymous, a bit more concise, a bit safer. the prompts from my tarot challenge are thoughtful and focused, and i’ve really enjoyed getting to know others in the community. but today’s cards are devoted to uncovering inner truths, and i find myself wanting a bit more space to explore these meanings. i’m utterly drained, and the last few days have been very difficult, but this feels like a good way to assess and reflect.

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first up is my intentions: the six of wands. this is a new card for me, but i already love it – it reminds me so much of judgement, rising above darkness and shadows and tangled thoughts and feelings to be free, to find space and light, to move forward. the butterfly is so bright, so strong, and those tangled thorns below her could’ve shredded her wings to bits. she may be tired, she may feel worn down, but she has managed to break free and find space to spread her wings again. this is such a lovely, victorious card, recognizing what we’ve had to fight through to find progress. and this absolutely feels like my current intentions – i just want to escape this darkness, want to opened my battered wings and fly out of all of this hurt and pain and fear. i feel like i’ve been stuck here for so very long, and i’m craving escape. i want fresh air, want room to breathe, want to feel like i’m in charge of my body and mind and soul again. everything feels so dark, but this butterfly’s beautiful, colorful wings give me a bit of hope.

 

son-of-wandshow is this manifesting in my life, and what are my actions signaling? the son of wands is independent, single-minded, completely focused on achieving his goals. he’s charming, adventurous, passionate, and completely confident in his abilities. he knows that the path he’s following is the correct one, and he’s sure that his plan will work – no obstacles in sight, no challenges he can’t face, no storm he can’t weather. who needs a backup plan when you already know you’re capable of facing anything?

his confidence is staggering, and certainly doesn’t reflect how i feel right now. but that focus on doing one thing well, on following a path to the very end, on putting all of my energy into one task? that i relate to. tarot has become something so important to my days, and even when i don’t have the energy to write or the strength the share my readings, pulling a card or two and spending some time in thought and meditation has become a goal for each day. i may not accomplish a single other thing, but at least i can find some time for reflection, for consideration, for challenges. it feels like if i can just listen to the cards, even for only a moment, it gives me a much-needed break from the darkness swirling in my mind.

i love that both of these cards are wands, that both cards feel independent and strong, that both cards are focused on a single purpose. i’m longing to break free of my darkness, and i’m using tarot to help me find my way out. and while both of these characters are finding their own way, and i still feel pretty lost in those tangled branches, the son of wands gives me hope that by focusing my energy on self-reflection and understanding, eventually i’m going to find a way to escape.

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forward motion

swift change, rapid motion, freedom and space – the eight of wands is all about moving towards goals, free of obstacles and struggles. the wands are focused, glowing, pushing all of their energy into that brilliant, sparkling goal just ahead. there’s no more hesitation, no confusion. the destination is in sight, the end is within reach, and things are moving fast.

IMG_1907i love the look and energy of this card – those golden wands are surging forward, straight and strong, moving towards their target. everything in them is centered around that luscious green island, and my eyes can’t help but fix on the perfect little center. the wands know exactly what they want, where they’re going, and the path forward is clear.

it’s almost too fast, too intense, too much. the speed is palpable, the focus absolute, like a car a breath away from skidding out on a slick road. everything feels heightened, and while there appear to be no obstacles, it feels like one little shift could push everything off course. that focus has to remain, or we could lose sight of our goal, find ourselves pointed in the wrong direction yet again.

i’ve been having trouble writing this week, floating in the endless, shadowy sea of depression. it’s impossible, humbling, distressing – i feel empty. this energetic, positive card full of ambitions and dreams realized feels so far from me, it’s completely unreachable. i’m finding comfort in distraction, losing myself in fictional worlds and alternate universes, staying away from friends and family, being quiet, doing anything to forget the person i am. this card feels too personal, speaking of a goal i can’t even see.

but perhaps today, this card is simply a reminder to keep looking forward. at times like this i simply need to do whatever i can to find comfort and rest, even if that may look odd to others, even if my internal monologue is vicious and unyielding, even if i feel useless and worthless and pathetic. i may not be reaching the end of an epic journey, but right now every small victory feels monumental. i’m still breathing, still getting out of bed, still struggling. more than that is too much, but i’ve kept my dog alive, managed to eat a little, am still reading my cards even if i can’t write about it.

i’m still here. even if i’m standing still, i just need to occasionally lift my eyes forward – and that can still feel like motion.

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one last note – in the spirit of the eight of wands and trying to set small goals, i’m going to try to participate in this month’s september tarot challenge, put together by @lionharts on instagram. if you’d like to follow along, find me at @wandering.priestess and see all the participants by following the hashtag #theseptembertarot. see you there!

grief & release

though i’m very new to the fountain tarot, it’s remarkable how different it feels in my hands. when i was trying to choose my first deck, i kept coming back to the wild unknown – it felt like i had an immediate emotional connection to it, like we could have a long and fulfilling relationship, like it had wisdom and knowledge and power that it was just waiting to reveal. it felt like water, deep and dark and full of magic. but the fountain tarot feels like air to me, crisp and light and honest, ready to cut to the heart of the matter. perhaps that’s why it’s taken me so long to begin working with this deck, in spite of the fact that i bought it months ago – i had to be ready to deal with this new feeling, a new element in my readings.

true to form, my new deck is clear and concise, sharing its wisdom and waiting for me to catch up. today’s cards are judgment and the five of cups.

IMG_1852my single card draw was judgment, a card of release, reconciliation, and forgiveness. it’s looking directly at our past, understanding the pain and struggles and loss that may be there, fully acknowledging mistakes and heartache and difficulties. it’s accepting our role in those trials, honestly owning what has happened (along with what hasn’t) and our part in it, and then setting it free. i find it feels so much easier sometimes to hang on to that pain, to let it fester into bitterness and anger and frustration – but all that dwelling on the past actually takes so much energy, changing the focus from what’s in front of me back to what’s already happened. this shift isn’t always an elegant or lovely process – rather, this type of self-assessment and openness is often ugly and messy and terrifying. but setting that pain free, letting go of the past, and allowing ourselves to move on is the only way to go forward and begin to heal. there’s such intention in this card, a joyous leap up and out from that stifling cavern. she’s finally free, able to rise up and step into a new, more open future.

i don’t often acknowledge cards that jump out of the deck while shuffling, at least not beyond a quick glance, a nod, and incorporating it back into the deck. but the five of cups leapt out of the deck when i was cutting it, about to draw, which has never IMG_1854happened to me. and seeing these two cards together, i can understand what the cards wanted me to see. the five of cups speaks to grief, despair, an emotional storm. while not every cup is overturned or broken, there has been a significant loss, and it must be mourned. there is a time for sadness, and trying to ignore the sorrow can be a recipe for disaster. it can be so tempting to get lost in that suffering, to let the pain become the only thing that feels real – the man in this image is mourning those spilled cups, but there are two full ones right behind him, waiting for him to turn around and grasp them when he’s ready to move forward. we cannot get so lost in our grief that we forget that all is not lost, that we overlook that which we still have. but taking a beat to feel that sorrow is necessary – this card gives permission to feel that sadness, to move inward, to feel what we feel even when it’s dark and difficult. sometimes, we just have to sit with the despair.

 

IMG_1843together, these cards have a powerful message. the shadows are real – there has been loss, and struggle, and pain. a period of mourning is natural, normal, and acknowledging pain is an important part of moving past it. but without intention, without purpose, this grief cannot be overcome. even though i’m good at putting on a brave face, can play the role that’s required of me at times, my depression will not simply disappear just by ignoring it. and the pain of my past and present cannot be shed if i don’t acknowledge it. i have to face those demons, thoughtfully consider where i’ve been, and find a way to feel and release this pain without drowning in it. freedom is on the horizon, but i have to reach for it.

 

release.

as i work through and process some difficult things, it was such a gift to pull today’s card: judgement. i actually received this card a few weeks ago and found it very comforting, but today it feels like a push forward.IMG_0372

there’s so much in this card, beauty and truth and freedom and soaring towards the light, release and understanding and pure hope. this dove is so strong, fleeing that tangled darkness below to reach the bright open space above. and so often, ugliness is created by us – fear, guilt, pain, anxiety, depression. we spend so much energy worrying about what might happen when we finally release those secrets and fly free, but the dove is so much more powerful now, having shed the dark and embraced her strength. and this card feels like an incredibly powerful symbol to me, that perhaps it’s time for me to embrace my strength too.

today is june 1, the first day of pride month. as a bisexual woman, raised in a very religious family and church that was vocally anti-homosexual, pride and judgement are difficult topics for me. it’s taken me a very long time to own my identity, and to admit that while i don’t all the answers, i can no longer deny who i am. i only came out a few years ago, after i’d already been married for some time, and it was a shock to my parents and many who’d grown up with me. other friends were much more supportive and loving, including my husband, and for that i’m incredibly grateful. but there are some very important people in my life who still don’t know about my sexual identity, and in this month of pride, and this impossible political climate, it feels more essential than ever to come clean and stop hiding.

IMG_0304the cards aren’t always this on-the-nose, so i gave myself a clarifying card to make sure i was moving in the right direction: and pulled the two of wands. a bold, goal-oriented card of determination, focus, and strength… that happens to have a colorful, vivid rainbow in the background.

i think that we bring a lot of our own baggage to tarot – it can be hard to clear my mind and not project everything i want to see into my readings. but i’ve been worrying non-stop about telling these last family members about my orientation, feeling isolated and alone, and these cards give me so much strength. it will not be easy, but i can’t keep hiding in the darkness. it’s time to reach out and grab those wands, face my truth, and release some of the secrets.

it’s time to find some pride.