it’s okay to stand still

armed with a citrine cluster to help release negativity, i came to my cards today with a bit of desperation. i feel so alone, so lost, so exhausted. i just need some guidance, some help, some advice. how can i let go of these miserable thoughts? what can i do to make today feel a little bit easier?

the daughter of pentacles is a card of grounding, positive energy. she is eager to explore, interested in learning everything she can, unafraid to experiment or to fail – she knows that even when things go wrong, we can find lessons in mistakes. she’s IMG_0328practical, resourceful, creative, intelligent, ready for whatever comes next. there is so much to learn from this child of the earth, this eager explorer, this kind, naive daughter. but what really resonates is that she is fully present in each moment, taking things as they come. she doesn’t use up all of her energy planning every step, trying to predict the future – and she doesn’t spend time dwelling on past mistakes, either. she breathes deep, smiles, notices her surroundings, enjoys the sights and sounds she is immersed in, and lets her feet lead her somewhere new and magical. she fully trusts her instincts, even though she knows that they may not be fully developed – after all, she is still a child, still a student, still has so much to learn and experience. but she knows that her innate abilities, her powers of observation and exploration, her intelligence and strength and connection to the earth will guide her. she knows that she is capable of great things, even if they don’t all happen today.

how does this translate to my depression, to my need for reassurance, to my self-care? this fawn has such a fresh, lovely innocence about her – but i feel ancient and crumbling in my pain, withering away to nothing. she’s eager to see the world, curious and excited to experience everything she can – but i feel exhausted, bitter, and all i want to do is curl up and hide from everyone and everything. of course i wish i was more like her at this moment, but how can i possibly get there today?

the short answer is that i can’t. depression is so tangled in guilt for me: all the things i’m not doing, all the ways i’m letting my friends and family down, all the ways i make everything about me me me instead of helping others. but i have to accept that this is where i am right now, and while i may not have a colorful rainbow overhead, or be surrounded by people that love me, or feel like i can accomplish much of anything on any given day, i’m still here. i’m still visiting my therapist, still talking to a psychiatrist about additional treatment options, still reading my cards when i can. i’m still talking to my husband, still taking care of my dog, still eating and even showering occasionally. i’m still answering work emails, still trying to stay in touch with friends, still keeping my family in the loop. i’m still alive.

it may not feel like much, not right now. but this is where i am, and if i can learn to accept that, perhaps today will bring a little bit of peace, and a little less pain.

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back to the water

something about being by the sea always calms me, makes me feel grounded and whole. and though i’m still having trouble coming to terms with the huge changes in this relationship, am still drowning in regret and embarrassment over speaking up, it’s comforting to be able to go for long walks by the ocean. there’s something freeing in just walking on the beach, no destination in sight, no plan or obligation or schedule to follow. this week is a chance to escape, to recuperate, to try to heal before i have to back to the real world.

the cards are right there with me, giving me the daughter of pentacles as my card for the week. her peaceful energy, her love of exploration and nature, and her ability to accept where she is and not struggle against her mistakes is exactly what i need.

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i often struggle to remain present, instead dreaming of the past or the future. i get lost in regret, in mistakes, in missed opportunities. or i consider what i could do next, how i could get there, and what it would look like. actually just being where i am isn’t always easy – except by the water. there i can simply be, smell the tangy air, enjoy the sand in my toes and the sun in my eyes and the spray in my face. i never tire of the sea. and now that the storms have passed and the clouds are gone, i plan to be outside for as many hours as possible. i don’t want to stare at my phone, hoping for messages that aren’t coming. i don’t want to keep reading the news, seeing how the terrifying monsters that are running our country are trying to tear it apart at its very foundation. i don’t want to stress about the future or obsess about the past.

this week is for me, to unplug and find a way to live in the quiet for a bit. all too soon i’ll have to head back to the city, to difficult situations and complicated relationships and challenging professional decisions. but if i can focus that pentacles energy, let myself simply be here for a bit, hopefully i’ll go back a little stronger, a little more confident, a little more peaceful.

being a water sign is not easy, and my affinity for cups can be a daily challenge. but at times like this, i wouldn’t have it any other way.

one step at a time

after reading through a beautiful, in-depth reading from one of my favorite tarot readers, i’ve had a lot to consider this morning. it can be hard sometimes to take all of the information and insight from a larger spread and find ways to break it down into more manageable steps, to know where to go or how to begin. today’s card is a lovely reminder that we are all students: the daughter of cups.

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it’s no secret that i love this card, and all she represents: the eager innocence of the page, the tranquil, quiet spirit of the cups, the depth of emotions present in water, and the ability and desire to see all the beauty and range of her suit. there’s such hope here, an optimism and brightness and appreciation that i don’t always see in tarot. she may not have all the answers but she’s ready to find them, longing to hear the messages that the water holds for her.

after pulling the mother of cups just yesterday, and seeing the high priestess (who’s also my birth card) in a larger personal spread earlier today, this is such a sweet reminder that we all have to start somewhere. i do trust my intuition, and have even before i starting reading tarot, but exploring these cards and trying to understand them has given me an even greater appreciation for natural instincts, empathy, and the power of quiet.

and while i’d love to be the mother of cups or the high priestess, fully aware of my personal power and confident in my abilities as an intuitive presence, i’m still at the beginning of my journey. this daughter may be young, may not have as much experience or knowledge as her older, wiser family members, but she plays an important role in the court: she reminds us to keep searching, to keep being curious, to keep pulling back layers to see what lies at the heart of what matters.

sometimes not being afraid to ask questions, letting go of looking foolish, and simply embracing our role as a student is one of the most powerful actions we can take. there can be fear in the unknown, but there is such powerful freedom there too. the truth will find me eventually, and until then, i need to be kind and gentle to myself, and remember that the answers will come when it’s the right time.

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hard truths

while this blog is named after the daughter of cups, a card i hope to grow into and evolve from, today i pulled a card that i identify with very strongly: the daughter of swords.

daughter-of-swordsfrank, observant, insightful, detail-oriented, and judgmental, the daughter of swords doesn’t miss a thing. this owl is watchful and honest, careful and clear, with no room for bullshit. she’s surrounded by the night sky, with glittering, colorful stars behind her, but her grip is on the blade of the sword rather than the handle. perhaps she’s not comfortable wielding it just yet, but this could also be a warning that the sword of truth can be sharp and double-edged. she’s a student of justice and truth, prefers to keep things simple and straightforward, and deals with situations head-on, though she isn’t unkind. she relies on her intellect and her powers of observation to get through tough situations, and those around her trust her to be truthful and strong.

paired with yesterday’s card, today’s drawing feels like it’s showing me how to approach the world again. i’ve been withdrawn, hesitant, unsure of how to shake off the last of this long-lasting depression. my legs are a bit wobbly. my head is still spinning. it’s so very tempting to continue to hide, to rely on others to tell me what to do, to pull that cloak of darkness back around myself and shy away from the light. but that’s no way to live, and it’s not the person that i want to be. i am stronger than that.

this daughter may not have all the answers – but she’s looking for them, and she isn’t afraid to be herself at the same time. she knows she’s not as adventurous as her older brother or as wise as her more experienced parents, but she also knows that her wide eyes and hungry mind will go a long way towards reaching her goals. and if i can lean into that hard truth, and not shy away from what’s in front of me, i can reach mine too.

my girl

today’s daily reading is a card i’ve been anticipating diving into: the daughter of cups, and the namesake for this blog. she’s not who i am, she’s my goal girl. she’s my fantasy girl. she’s the girl i hope to someday become, on my magical intuitive journey to be queen of the universe or high priestess of the emotional realm or whatever.

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this lovely baby swan is resting serenely in still waters, gazing off into the distance, calmly paddling below but careful not to disturb the quiet. she’s lost in the world of her emotions and imagination, quietly casting a rainbow reflection onto the surface. she is graceful, calm, innocent, beautiful. she personifies stillness, harmony, and peace. she is a child of the court of cups, eager to learn, celebrating her emotions, testing the waters of her intuition. she revels in her creativity, lives for her art, struggles to stay grounded in reality. she is just beginning to understand the power of emotional strength, the importance of the full spectrum of feelings, the strength it takes to keep an open mind and heart.

in readings, the daughter of cups reminds us that we have much to learn about our personal emotional landscapes. having feelings is not bad – learning from our emotions makes us strong, intelligent, nuanced creatures. we need to embrace our emotions, keep our hearts open, and not judge ourselves for our reactions and needs. i always love to see this card, as she serves as a gentle reminder that i have much to learn about myself, but i’ve begun the journey.

let’s be clear – this girl is not me. i am absolutely not the daughter of cups. realistically, i daughtershave far more in common with the daughter of swords, or the daughter of wands. and in readings, i’m far more likely to get a mother than a daughter in positions that represent myself. i’m passionate, can be difficult, am often stubborn, and tend towards being secretive. i’m fiercely loyal, and while i’m not great at standing up for myself, i will do anything to protect the people i love. i’m practical, and sarcastic, and usually pretty cranky. i’m independent, and introverted, and inquisitive.

but cups represent water, and emotions, and intuition. and i’ve said it before, but as a
scorpio i identify strongly with the suit of cups. i may not share her grace and beauty, her kindness, or her innocence, but i feel strongly that the daughter of cups can teach us much about our emotions, and that the hidden depths within each of us can be the most significant pieces we have to offer. i value my intuition highly, and strive to develop it more and more each day. i want to be more sensitive, more kind, more generous. i want to become the daughter of cups so that i can grow into the mother of cups, and perhaps someday fully develop into my birth card, the high priestess.

i have so much to learn, but we all have to start somewhere.